I miss you.

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Have you ever met someone that you just instantly clicked with? Almost as if you’ve already had a lifetime worth of memories and were just picking up where you left off. That’s who you are for me. I’ve spent the last year trying to chase that feeling, trying to find you. If someone asked me to describe love at first sight I would talk about you. Not about the people who I was able to develop a connection with. Not the girl I can’t stop writing songs about. Not even the girl I kissed last month, but you. I miss you.

How many days have you felt truly alive? I’m talking to those days. You were always so full of life and laughter, you’re everything I’m searching for. There were times when I wanted to die and you’re the reason why I made it past seventeen. People always tell me that it’s amazing that I pulled through, but if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be here. My motivation and will alone wasn’t enough. Where did you go? Are you hiding behind the clouds? I haven’t seen you in so long. I miss you.

Were you the second family I never asked for? Sometimes I think back to that year and I never really know how we strayed so far from there. How I drifted so far. Maybe you were necessary for healing, only meant to play a small part in my life before disappearing forever. It doesn’t matter anymore I suppose, you weren’t the ones I was trying to save when it all fell apart. After everything that happened, maybe I should’ve tried harder, put in more. I miss you.

How about love? Not that fluffy love I can’t stop screaming about, or that love you give to friends, family and your pet chihuahua. Actually, you’re so much more important than all of them. Without you, I can’t connect with reality. I blame you for getting me through those first few years, why I’ve made it this far and how losing you almost cost me myself. You’re love but you don’t connect me to something tangible, you connect me to life itself. I miss you.

Was there ever a time when you truly came back? Not just in moments. You used to be with me every day when I was a kid, but now I can’t get you to come out even when I’m so sad that I want to die. Maybe I only ever see you when I hit rock bottom, but how do you expect me to cope with everyday life without shedding a tear? It’s not fair to leave me without a release like that. I miss you.

Do you remember dying in hospital? I hope you don’t. There’s something that they call survivors guilt. I’m sure your parents were the most affected, but every person with a whole, working heart has the capacity to feel that way too. Tell me it wasn’t too fucking early to die. I don’t feel like I have the right to say any of this, because we were never close, I never knew you as well as I should’ve. Just know that I will think of you every time I get on stage, your dream was to play, so I’ll play for you. I miss you.

How many times have I called on you for help in my hour of need? It’s really not that deep, but there’s still something cathartic about the support you’ve provided over the years. With everything that’s happened, I haven’t seen any of you in weeks, months, years even. Some of that is my fault, I have a bit habit of cutting my loses when it comes to all of you. That doesn’t mean I hate you though. I miss you.

Do you remember the days when I was happy? When I felt invincible rather than weak, energised instead of empty, happy instead of complaining about my existence. Humanity was this mystery I wanted to solve rather than a cynical ball of disaster that I avoided at all cost. That’s what you did for me, you gave me a life where anything was possible. Yeah sure, I was dumb as hell, but at least I didn’t have to go to sleep at night worrying about whether tomorrow will finally drain my will to live. I miss you.

Do you think I still think about you? Honestly, some days I do, but it’s funny how time works. The longer I don’t have you, the less she’s on my mind, but every time she is, I know I really just want you back. We both know that you can’t exist on your own, you’re attached to a person and feelings and broken promises that used to be kept. I’m sorry I lost you, but I’m more sorry for the damage I caused along the way, You’re never coming back and maybe that’s what hurts the most. I miss you.

Is it fair for me to long for you? I just came back and I already miss you. With restlessness comes these feelings of needing to run. Sometimes I just want to book a flight and go be with you, wherever in the world you may be. Even though you could be right around the corner, you know that I love you most when crossing oceans. I know I’ll see you again soon, but not knowing when is what hurts the most. I miss you.

You’re what I miss the most, so I won’t jumble words. Maybe you’re oxygen, freedom, the outside world, but it feels all the same to me. I haven’t felt the sun on my skin in over a month. Breathing fresh air without a mask is a distant dream. They trapped me when I was finally starting to feel whole again, when I had finally pieced myself together after constant fighting. My mental health might be in shreds and you’re the cure. A padded cell is where they put me, but my heart’s with you. I miss you.

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