I miss you.

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Have you ever met someone that you just instantly clicked with? Almost as if you’ve already had a lifetime worth of memories and were just picking up where you left off. That’s who you are for me. I’ve spent the last year trying to chase that feeling, trying to find you. If someone asked me to describe love at first sight I would talk about you. Not about the people who I was able to develop a connection with. Not the girl I can’t stop writing songs about. Not even the girl I kissed last month, but you. I miss you.

How many days have you felt truly alive? I’m talking to those days. You were always so full of life and laughter, you’re everything I’m searching for. There were times when I wanted to die and you’re the reason why I made it past seventeen. People always tell me that it’s amazing that I pulled through, but if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be here. My motivation and will alone wasn’t enough. Where did you go? Are you hiding behind the clouds? I haven’t seen you in so long. I miss you.

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This is Turquoise

TurquoiseIf you want to skip straight to the playlist, here’s the link! Turquoise is bittersweet, nostalgic and a little angsty.

Since this is the first post of this kind, I’m going to get distracted on Twitter for 45 minutes before explaining what I’m doing here. Clearly this lockdown is messing with my concentration. Anyway, I have these colour-coded playlists that fit different moods. I stole this idea from my friend Ray a couple years back and I haven’t regretted it for a second. Sometimes it’s hard to explain feelings, so colours help me distinguish and name them.

Let’s get into these potatoes. Since this is the first playlist feature, I’ll do a little explanation before I head into it. Every month I’ll make a little post with one of my mood ring-esque playlists and do a bit of a feature on what makes a song fit that mood. Every year should bring a new evolution of these playlists as their feeling become even more distinct, but for now I’ll stick with my original nine.

This is turquoise. You’ve already read my short explanation and I felt like now was the best time to bring a little nostalgia into the world. Mainly because I’m feeling a little nostalgic for two weeks ago, before my holiday in Peru became indefinite.

There’s a few cornerstone tracks that I want to highlight specifically. Let’s start with All Time Low’s Last Young Renegade. You may have seen it in my yearly playlists and there’s a good reason. This track makes me feel a certain way even to this day. I just can’t explain it any other way than turquoise. It’s simple to play and easy to sing along, yet it speaks to my personal memories so deeply.

The second cornerstone is Nowadays by Valleyheart. Out of all the tracks on this list, it’s probably the one that you haven’t heard of. This track is somber and sad, longing for happier days and a lack of depression. That’s a feeling I can relate to a lot more than I’d like to admit, which is why this track was one I had to highlight.

Let’s talk about Broadside’s Come & Go. Out of all of the tracks, this one cuts the deepest and represents the darkest corners of this playlist. Relationships can be messy and it’s especially hard to see someone moving on without you. I won’t spoil the whole song, but I’ve cried while listening to this song and I rarely cry while listening to music.

Some of you might know how much I love Movement’s Daylily. While it’s also a song about depression, it’s about wanting a brighter future for someone you love very dearly. Pink cloud days are a metaphor for good days, so how much better is a pink cloud summer for someone you love.

Finally, I want to talk about Castlefield’s Escape. I like to think of this song as photographs of memories and the author’s response to them in the moment. It conveys a feeling much deeper than the photographs themselves would convey. I don’t know maybe I’m just soft.

If you haven’t figured it out, these segments are just an excuse for me to talk about my favourite songs. If you missed the link at the top of the page, here it is again. Let me know what you think and stay safe everyone.

The Ryan Music Awards 2019

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Welcome one and all to the Ryan Music Awards for 2019, as well as the showcasing of my playlist for 2019! If you haven’t been following my Twitter, I’ve been posting my top 5 listens every week for the first half of the year. After that I just posted something every month because life got in the way. Having the list really helped me pick the songs I was obsessed with earlier on in the year, because if I’m honest, I forgot which songs I liked…

Many of the tracks on this list are songs that I discovered this year and surprisingly, none are repeat offenders from last year’s list, even though some of the honourable mentions are. I honestly can’t believe how quickly this year has passed, it’s been fucking crazy. I won’t go into too many details, but just know that I’m walking into 2020 a homeless man.

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Felt Sad, Might Delete Later

Sometimes I wonder whether my words would mean more if I was dead, than if I was alive. In theory, it makes sense, humans typically treasure the past more than the present, there’s a reason why society has treasured so many creatives only after they’ve died; Vincent Van Gogh is a prime example. It’s a dark thought, but I’ve considered being the Van Gogh of writing, but maybe without the missing ear.

There’s a stereotype where it’s considered oversharing to talk about your feelings and maybe it’s there for a reason, but I can’t keep giving people an unrealistic view of myself. Sharing isn’t really something I prioritise; mainly because I value my privacy, but I can’t keep living a superficial social media lie. For those who’ve known me for a while, this whole issue is part of the reason why I left social media in the first place.

This post is already such a mess and I hate disclosing any personal information about myself, but I’m going to try a little honesty. Transparency is dead on social media and I’ve always held myself a little distant, but I can do that without ignoring the shit and pretending that everything’s butterflies and rainbows.

I know the purpose of my existence and I’ve realised that people are more attracted to pain than constant happiness. Darkness is sexier than light and it’s time to embrace it.

Happy birthday A, I hope I broke your birthday bad luck. 

I’m letting go so I can begin a new chapter, there’s no point in glorifying the past while ignoring the present.


Sidenote: I am okay, thanks for asking, I’m just a hot mess from time to time…most of the time.